I’ve done a thing or two that I’m not proud of, haven’t we all?
My worst was ranging from 2009 until approximately 2014.
That’s a long time to continue down a path of constant regret and shameful acts.
For some unknown reason, my reputation had never actually been damaged or ruined during those times.
If it had slightly effected a few peoples impressions of me, it never really ever stuck for a long period of time or had any major impact on my life.
Had I severely impacted someone, I certainly never heard about it nor lost any relationships over it either.
To be quite frank, I didn’t deserve my friendships or relationships in my early 20’s.
I had a lot of personal issues and  I desperately needed healing.
This season of life I am currently in, I actually experienced my reputation suffer severe damaged, mostly based on a rumor made up about me.
I have absolutely never in my entire life experienced anything quite like this, effecting so many of my relationships not to mention my self esteem.
It’s absolutely frightening the impacts one lie has.
The most indescribably painful fact is that this wildfire of lies was ignited by someone who supposedly cared very deeply about me.
The only humorous part to all of this, is who I am now has been exactly what I wished to be when I was younger.
I’m baffled that I didn’t undergo any of these back in my early 20’s, now of all times is a completely inappropriate and inaccurate time frame to be experiencing this, yet I am.
I am an actual victim of having my character be assassinated right before my very eyes.


I wasn’t even fully aware of what I was accused of until very recently.
The hardest part is referring back to all the texts, conversations and silence from people, all making sense to me now.
I had been ignorant to what gossip was floating around everywhere.
In this case, ignorance was bliss.
I can’t quite describe how absolutely angering it is to have a group of people believe something false about you, causing people to question you as a person.
It’s almost impossible to express my rage, all I can really do is express it in writing and giving to the Lord.
Upon some deep self reflection, the mistake I know I made was by trying to defend myself.
Despite not knowing what I was supposedly accused of, I had really aggressive encounters with friends and individuals.
I was diagnosed by individuals with absolutely no academic grounds to be making these conclusions.
I had people go through every possible angle, tearing bits of information to form a story that never even existed.
I had individuals make rash decisions that inadvertently effected me in many hard ways.
The list of threats, bullying, alienating and slandering could literally go on.
I brought every bit of evidence I could find to prove myself, for what?
The sad truth behind having your reputation defiled by a manipulative character is much like that of gossip, once people hear something and want to believe it, they believe it.The hardest part for me has been wrapping my mind around why anyone would want to be believe such horrible things about someone, a friend at that.
Perhaps people want to believe things they hear, no matter the validity of the statements, because if they didn’t, they would have to come to terms with the fact that the person creating all of the lies, is a liar.
People want to believe the best in certain individuals especially the quiet ones, the calm ones and the seemingly docile ones.
When in reality, people who posses those seemingly positive characteristics are in fact more so the ones to be very deceptive, calculated and manipulative. The louder, blunt and more confrontational a person is psychologically is not inclined to be deceptive, manipulative or lie since they wear their emotions on their sleeves.
That’s a psychologically sound fact.
The most master of manipulators are usually psychopaths or sociopaths who appear to be extremely calm, charming, kind, gentle and innocent.
It’s possible another reason people believe lies are based on their own insecurities and anger towards that individual for whatever it may be.
They form a biased opinion to seek justice for their own anger and hurt instead of constructively confronting the person that “hurt” them.
Lastly, individuals that believe tall tales would have to face reality which would indirectly cause confusion in their own lives.
No one likes facing facts, especially when it hinders their own personal life and relationships.I was recently reminded of Jesus when he walked the earth claiming he was the Son of God.
He performed miracles, raised people from the dead, healed the sick and people STILL did not believe who he claimed to be.
Reading that gave me feelings of hopelessness in regards to ever regaining my own reputation back.
However once nailed to the cross, dying and resurrecting, people felt pretty foolish to have ever doubted the character of Jesus.
I am not even remotely comparing myself to Christ, however it’s a humbling reminder that despite people’s disbelief of such a holy person, Jesus never defended himself.
It’s been a difficult lesson for me to learn, our human instinct when we are accused of lying is to be on the defense and prove our innocents.
It isn’t our job to prove who we are, especially as Christians.
God is a God of justice, I am his child and he does not wish for me to have a ruined reputation for the duration of my life.
Patience is what God constantly reminds me to strive for.
Setting my eyes on the cross, the beauty in this world, the positives about others and myself has helped me focus less on my crumbling reputation.
So in gaining understanding why people latch on to gossip without actually confronting the person the gossip is even about, especially when that person is a victim of a heinous crime, it does not make it any easier to endure.
Having knowledge about how to deflect the darts people throw at me, has only helped me to be less involved, my character is still wrecked.
I haven’t come out of the other end, I do not know when or if my character can ever be salvaged.
I do know one thing though, that the truth always comes out at some point or another.
God loves me and has a plan, all will be revealed in his perfect timing.
I must admit sometimes I’ve fantasize about those who doubted me to beg for my forgiveness or suffer the consequences of their mistakes.
That’s my selfish human desires at times I’m fully admitting.
However God’s gentle voice reminds me to forgive and extend grace, just as he has to me many, many times.
My hopes are that my situation can teach those involved to develop their character better, love rather then condemn, be still before making rash decisions, be more on guard for deception, be more weary of manipulation, avoid gossip, be slower to speak and quicker to listen, humble themselves and the list of things people could learn could literally go on.
Unfortunately pride may impede on people’s abilities to learn from a situation, in which case I have to accept the brutal reality.
Some people can have all facts and proof laid out before them and yet they will still deny truth.
In revelations it talks about this. Jesus will come back to earth, people will literally see him face to face and STILL deny him. That absolutely baffles my mind, again, a harsh reality check of how arrogant human beings can be.Other then learning I do not have to defend myself, I’ve learned to stop apologizing for things that I shouldn’t feel sorry for.
Even if people believe lies and expect me to confess or make amends, I cannot and will not engage in deception.
“So and so thinks this about you” I’ve learned the best response is to say “Hm, I’m disappointed to hear that”, rather then “Oh no! What? How? Why? I’m sorry”.
The truth is, I’m not sorry because I never did anything to begin with.
I am disappointed to hear how someone thinks of me, that is truth, it is disappointing, but I can’t take ownership for their feelings because their feelings are based on a lie.
It’s God’s job to to reveal to me my mistakes not the role of others.
Separating myself from the reality everyone has chosen to live in has been difficult to say the least.
I feel like a fugitive, hiding and constantly in fear of being caught and attacked again.
Not letting people’s opinions effect me hasn’t been easy either.
It’s hard to perform every day tasks properly at work, at the gym, the grocery store or even just leaving my house is hard at times.
Once you hear the swarm of lies about you, it almost makes a person feel paranoid that everyone else thinks that way.
It’s like a pack of leeches sucking your dignity, your voice, your dreams, your motivation and it debilitates you.
In another post I wrote about identity, that has really helped me gain a clearer understanding on who I am and how God see’s me.
That has been yet another difficult lesson to learn given the circumstances.
People lie out of fear, avoiding responsibility, control, selfish gain, revenge and many other horrible reasons.
Ultimately, someone defiling your character says a lot about them.
The people that are foolish enough to even believe such lies, says a lot about them also.
I hold tight to the truth in hopes that someday the assassination of my character can somehow, metaphorically be resurrected.

 

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