Some people take steps in life, only to climb higher and higher up the ladder of success.
Whether it be the promotional ladder or an ever growing abundance of wonderful opportunity’s.
I’ve faced an opposing set of stairs throughout my life.
It seems like every time I have taken one step forward, I fall three steps backwards, having to restart the climb not to gain distance, but merely end up right back where I was before I fell backwards.
Anyone else feel this way?
Specific to a marriage, my marriage, I have especially experienced this exact rebuttal to what my conjecture is on a christian marriage.
I haven’t lived my life to it’s entirety, so I logically cannot predict whether or not my life will always be this seemingly endless stumble on an escalator.
I also can’t predict whether or not those that seem to fly past flights of stairs will always encounter such fortuity.
I can say though, having done this staircase dance, that as frustrating as it is, the more I get set back the more I’m prepared to endure whatever is next.
God never said this life would be easy.
In fact he warns us that we, his followers, will endure suffering.
The positive aspect of this all is that when set backs occur, the spiritual realm is shaken and what God brings in substitution, which I can honestly say has exceeded my expectations.
This does not mean every time something terrible has happened, that I anticipate, almost expecting something extravagant to transpire, no.
Sometimes God’s blessings aren’t what I wanted, to be perfectly transparent, however that isn’t the point.
The point is God always follows through, no matter how dark and desolate a situation may seem, no matter how little the blessings seem.
I’ve grown accustom to this fluctuation within my current marriage situation.
The constant fluctuation hasn’t been due to anyone in specific, it’s much more deeper then that.
Satan works hard to destroy marriages because two Christians in a God abiding relationship can conquer a lot in this world, which the enemy absolutely does not want.
So it should be no surprise when we face various trials, I’ve learned to count it all as joy when I am facing these trials (James 1:2).
Every time I experience feelings of fear, anguish, uncertainty, anxiety, anger, despair and hopelessness, I remind myself that Jesus is at work and something great is being done behind the scenes.
Despite the enemy’s fatal attempts to throw me off balance and despite how despondent I feel, like today, I cling to the truth finding comfort knowing better things are yet to come.
I admit that this season of life that I am currently entrenched in, I am…quite… done… to say the absolute least!!!
Days such as this I cry out to God and ask him why this is still all happening? Why did this new thing happen, seriously?
Why is this all regurgitating to the surface yet again? Wait, there’s more now!? When will this all be done Lord?
I stare at this metaphoric wasteland with not even a sprout forming from a seed.
No matter how much I water the soil, no matter how much sunlight I shine on  it, I never seem to see any fruits of my labor.
Perhaps God will take me through yet another whole season of this same vacantly soiled marriage.
Maybe a sprout will grow. Maybe not.
I don’t know when this season will end and the scariest part is I don’t know what the outcome will even look like.
I do know, that God loves me, his heart is for restoration and he is far bigger then any of the problems at hand.
Hopefully one day I will be able to take a step forward and just stay there for a bit!
My hopes are that eventually I will stare out on the familiar wasteland and see an entire orchard producing an abundance of fruits formed overnight!
I don’t know what my life will look like, I get tired thinking about if it will be anything like it has been both constantly and relentlessly since 2005.
I do know that all this suffering isn’t all for nothing as hopeless as it seems at times.
God gives us what we can handle, he provides strength, even when we feel we don’t have the strength to carry on, as I do now.
I remind myself after falling backwards a couple times this week, either due to self infliction or that of others, that it’s OK.
In the meantime, I try my hardest to embrace these moments where Satan’s main purpose is to strip me of all my hope.
Although a little tired, I’m regaining energy for the next climb as well as the next fall.

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