Disclaimer: I want to say first off and make this VERY clear, I am not in anyway pushing my beliefs or opinions on anybody.
Nor am I judging or condemning anyone’s way of living.
A little background, my parents never got married and are not religious in anyway.
This article is simply me sharing why I have done the thing’s I have done, in the way I’ve done them.
I accept that not everyone will agree with this and although I may not agree or partake with the way others choose to live, I have ZERO judgement towards you or anyone.
Please read with an open mind and respect that I am coming from a christian perspective, just as I have tried my very best to be respectful to any and everyone.
So before you skim and pick out parts that offend you. I hope you’ve read this disclaimer and give my article a chance. If not, then please don’t read it.
I’ve been asked a lot over the past few years a lot of questions in regards to my decisions with men. Questions I mean like; why I hadn’t ever lived with a guy. Why I didn’t move in with a guy until I got married. “hey Erin, wouldn’t it make more sense to live with your boyfriend to save money? ” “Why be locked into a situation when you could have the freedom to leave on your own free will?” And so on and so forth.
While typing this out my morals seem to be betraying me, as I am questioning my own self… “yeah why am I not doing this haha?!” By nature, I believe and not just myself, but I think we all desire to be in a monogamous legal bound relationship. It’s how I think God, Mother Nature, whatever higher power you believe, intended for us homo sapiens.
I believe God made “rules” in the bible not to control people, but to take care of us.
Some of you have already probably checked out because I mentioned God or Religion.
Just because I am coming from a base of faith, doesn’t mean I am pushing it on you or I don’t have thoughts of my own.
Plus, some of my best girlfriends are far from religious and somehow are able to withstand my rants.
So can you.
Whether your Christian or not, any religion or spiritualism believes that their “God” is a God of love and wants to shine his blessings down on us mere humans whether it be based on our good deeds, the way the stars align etc.
I know what your thinking “of course she’s going to believe this because the bible said it, God said it, she’s a sheep and can’t think for herself. Religion is a trap to control society!”
I get it.
I said it before, I am going to mention it again.
Although this piece I’m sharing may seemingly be biased, as I am a Christian, please note that so many of my dearly beloved friends and family don’t live the same way I do. This article passes no judgement on anyone. It really simply is an answer to this never ending question the universe throws at me. Whether it be at work, with friends of friends, social gatherings or just random.
In saying that, despite my biased opinion on my own God, read this and substitute what I’m saying with whatever higher power you believe. Hear me out.
It’s only since our parents generation where the divorce rate grew immensely. Back in our grandparents times and well prior to that, it was culturally unacceptable to get divorced. As a society no matter the region, it was usually frowned upon.
Of course one could argue, its because the older generation were naive, passive, they didn’t want to talk about anything real, their feelings weren’t worth talking about. It was all about men working, women taking care of the house and having kids. Although that’s a very good point and very much true. I don’t believe it’s entirely true either.
Our parents generation started a rippling effect, particularly among women that introduced feminism. *gasp* which was unheard of way back when.
Another product of our parents generation was conjured up by the negative view on how their parents raised them. Although their parents (our grandparents) remained as one, ‘so and so’ saw mom having an affair, dad knew about it yet nobody addressed it.
‘So and so’, saw mom crying inside day after day while dad drank, everybody knew, yet no one talked about it.
The examples could continue but I’ll leave it at that for now. You get the point.
So taking away the bad and replacing it with the good aka talking about our feelings, being real, being open with one another and the movement of feminism, I’ve noticed too this has caused an adverse effect to “breaking the bad habits”.
What I’m talking about reverts back to my original main point before I trailed off on these tangents.
Our parents generation grew a sense of fear.
Fear stemmed from running away as far as possible of being the way their parents were.
Whether it be rebelling or moving to the opposite side of the country, no one wanted to be like the “old guys”.
Now we have individuals who do not want to seriously commit, not get married, prolong that as much as possible while getting the benefits of a relationship such as sex, companionship, extra income etc.
Think about it, the average age for couples to get married range from the ages of 27 for women and 29 for men — a jump from the 1990 average marrying age of 23 for women and 26 for men. That’s only in a 15 year span! When you put it in perspective, it’s quite the increase.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing at all, it’s just part of my example.
That’s off topic, my point is that the commitment issues our parents have had, the lack of work at a relationship causing people to bounce around from one sexual partner to another may not be so good?
Kids now have half siblings and step siblings and I honestly think this is causing an identity issue epidemic among teens.
That’s skipping ahead a bit, we as in my age category, have been those teens.
Never sure if dad will stick around, if mom will ever get a day off, where we will live next or who’s dad is who.
As I said before, people’s mentality have become “why get married and be locked down?” , “I don’t like how she does this, yet I don’t want to change – so I’m leaving her, taking the kids, I’m leaving” and so many more examples of how people avoid commitment and taking ownership for their own actions.
Why are we still breathing if we are perfect and have nothing to work on?
Who honestly thinks by age 45 they have it all figured out?
Which leads me to my last point.
Think about us young adults now after taking a glimpse at the evolution of fear from our grandparents, parents and look at teens/ kids these days! Why is the suicide, mental health and anxiety rate so high?
We’re a scared bunch aren’t we!?
We’re scared to fall too hard for someone, we don’t want to be the first to answer a text, we don’t want to be the one that gets broken up with, we don’t want to be abandoned, we don’t want to get to know each other before we sleep together, we rather not work on ourselves before we combine house holds so we just move in together, we don’t want anyone to break down our walls, we don’t want to be told what to do or what we do wrong.
I truly believe it’s all because our society has lied to us that it’s “not cool” or subliminally they’ve said “it’s not safe” to do it the way the older generation did.
No one wants to be the first to call the cute girl they met at the bar, No one wants to text first, text back too quickly seeming “desperate”. No one wants to get married in fear of being locked down and having to, God forbid, be selfless! No one wants to work on the marriages they have, no one wants to focus on their kids as much because A) they need money B) they want to date this guy, which seemed like a good idea, later finding out at boyfriend #5, kid #4 that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Back to my original statement, I think God (or whatever you believe in) intended relationships to be how it’s written in the bible.
Not because he wants to control any of us or subject us to a life of misery , but I really think it’s because he knows how fragile the human hearts out.
That may sound cheesy, but obviously it’s true, otherwise people wouldn’t commit suicide, bully one another, give up on a marriage when they’ve been done wrong, refuse to receive help, be ridden with anxiety, be ill from stress constantly or refuse to make changes . If so, then woman wouldn’t feel used, men wouldn’t feel like they must mask their emotions and so on and so forth.
Clearly the human state of mind has been conditioned a certain way due to society in a way it never was really intended too.
You don’t have to be religious to see this..
For anyone who’s parents aren’t together. For the women who are single moms, for the mothers who have multiple children with multiple different men, for the women who feel used because they put out to feel valued, for the guy who gave it his all only to realize “the girls just not into you”, for the couple that’s trying to sort out who takes what when they both move from a place they once called “their own” if you could pick having a marriage where both parties are legally bound , committed to seeing it through would you get married?
If you could go back to that one night stand, that abusive relationship, that marriage that didn’t last or the time you were raped and avoid that situation all together, would you?
Of course, who wouldn’t!
We cannot undo the past, nor is it healthy to dwell on our mistakes.
I believe in taking our bad situations and turning them into blessings for others or your life.
The reason I think all of us would obviously choose one or both of those scenarios is because I think deep down we all desire a monogamous and committed relationship.
I know that’s what God intended.
Yet why do people still avoid love, fear commitment or jump into bed with ‘who knows who’ ?
So that’s why, that is why I decided I will not live with someone before I am married.
No I don’t need to “test it out” first.
I believe doing anything what you think is right in a stable frame of mind produces positive results.
Call it what you may, I’ve witnessed this truth come to life in my life and the life of others.
I won’t and did not live with someone before I’m married because I have been the used one, I’ve done the using, I’ve been the stubborn one that didn’t want to act too “into someone” I’ve been the person that someone didn’t want to continue anything serious with and so on and so forth.
I didn’t want the headache of separating furniture etc after a breakup.
I didn’t want my children to go to the father’s house one week, me the next.
I didn’t want to play a cat and mouse game for life.
The list of “I didn’t want to” could really go on, you get the point.
I may have “wasted” my money to pay my own rent meanwhile my boyfriend “wasted” his money to pay his, however I rather lose all my money, then to be falling in and out of useless relationship my whole life. To subject my children to various men, various schools, homes and exposing them to never knowing where they belong or who they belong to.
I rather lose out on money then waking up in my 30’s wondering where someone serious is that I can have a committed relationship, having my eyes opened rather then being blinded like before solely based on fears.
I rather start the change of the next generation to come.
Wouldn’t it be cool if divorce rate lessened like that of our grandparent’s generation, minus the naivety and lack of communication. People would communicate, address issues, be committed and monogamous. What would that equal? What would that even look like!?
I, personally, rather follow gods instructions even if it seems crazy and irrational then find myself constantly broken, arguing over who takes the kids this weekend or claiming that the sofa comes with me!
Because that is not what God, in my opinion, intended any of his children to be.
He intended me to feel love. That’s what humans are made to do.